It is so embarrassing to click back into this blog and be reminded that it's been over a year since I last updated it. Even more embarrassing, and frustrating too, is realising that I've fallen once again into the cycle of becoming enamoured with a new pursuit before losing patience with myself when I don't manage to make the time for it, and subsequently trail off. Then I look back and think how I could have had a decent writing portfolio by now if I'd just kept it up.
Sigh.
I'm planning to retroactively insert some of the book reviews I've been writing the last few months, cross-posting from The Lesbrary but for the most part, besides the occasional bit of fanfiction I just haven't done all that much.
However, with us being now in the midst of a global pandemic, the entire world has slowed down and I've taken to thinking about creative work again. I've been reluctant to admit that my anxiety around writing - which is a thing that I really, truly love! (I think) - is down to low self-esteem. That is essentially what it comes down to, however. The feeling of "Well, since I made this, it can't be that valuable." I also spent some time in a relationship with someone who, whilst supportive in a general sense, couldn't muster any emotional investment in my work. That combined with my tendency to 'disappear' into relationships and prioritise partners' needs over my own made for a very-not-great combination. No blame to cast here: that's just how it is.
Due to life bestowing this sudden stillness on me and having been single again for a few months, I've had another crack at podcasting. I'll try and update this blog with behind the scenes notes for each episode, just to keep some activity going here. I also made a stop motion animation recently and I want to learn to animate properly! I have a few ideas. Further to these aims, I've added Twitter to my Internet blocklist. The news is so, so bleak right now and I want to switch off for a while.
I'm also going to try and write the space web serial that I've been plotting in my downtime. I've got a notebook sat next to me and a three page outline of the main arcs and more free time than I'll probably ever have in my life and I just... don't feel like I can? It's odd how draining writing is. It's been something so deeply tied to my sense of personal validation for so long, that the process of even getting a first draft down is like shoving an enormous boulder uphill. Before every word comes this litany of thoughts, like--
Hasn't this already been done? Ugh I wish I could write like Le Guin/Tolkien/Wynne-Jones/Shakespeare. Why did I not start earlier? I wonder who's younger than me and more successful because they actually sat down and did things. What if I'm not meant to be writer? What if I spend all day/month/year writing this and it's a waste of time because it's total trash. Why am I so unoriginal? Where did I subconsciously lift this character/plot point/trope from? Will people immediately start telling me what my plot is similar to? What if I accidentally write something so heinously offensive that I get cancelled forever? Ughhhh, why am I procrastinating by re-reading the same 70-chapter fanfiction I've already read ten times. I should be absorbing more original content. I should be MAKING more original content. Why is it so hard to just write things? My character is so boring. Would someone really act this way? Why aren't I writing? Let me just check the Internet... Wait, it's been an hour and I haven't done anything. Okay, I'll just write a few paragraphs... Huh should this scene be set during winter or summer? Why am I writing set in a sleepy English village when that's going to cause so much logistical trouble when everyone comes out of their houses and tries to interact with the alien visitors? Should I set it in America? I'll start writing after I've done some more research... Ah, another hour gone, I will write this time. Hmmm... What will the layout for my website look like? Where should I host this? What if no one reads it? What if people DO read it? What if it's bad? What if it's good and I peak here? I just need to get something down on paper but I'm so drained.
-- and so on and so forth.
Sometimes I talk to my therapist about all the thoughts that run in my head in a regular basis and she'll look at me for a long time and say (of herself), "I need to lie down, hearing that, I am absolutely exhausted!" She's being tongue-in-cheek but goddamn she is so right.
Part of me likes the idea of having written something, having published something, far more than the process of actually writing it, because that's where the pain and hard work is. Not necessarily within the crafting of the story itself, but in the exhaustion of facing my own existential fears about my creative value, my talent and my innate sense of self-worth.
Another part of me truly, passionately loves the written word, has written pieces I'm proud of, has fallen down rabbit-holes of research to create genuinely fun pieces, has had good feedback and a network of support, and loves the feeling of being absorbed in creating a brand new world.
Perhaps in admitting the weight of the former, in sloughing some of it off, I can ease the way for the latter.
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